I’ve made it abundantly clear that I am not in a good place right now. My mental state is in a fairly precarious place right now and there are stresses to it that I can’t really find a reprieve from but I’m working on that.
Leading on from this information, I’ve been wondering whether there’s any specific time that it’s OK to begin again. Whether this archaic ritual of ‘new year, new you’ actually holds any weight to it, or is it (like I believe) a good way for companies the world over to push the idea that new year means you must lose weight, must go on a diet at least for January. After that it’s Valentine’s Day then Easter then it’s the Fuck It Time of year until Autumn and Winter roll back around to give us an excuse to do whatever we want. I’m not in a good place, we’ve established that.
There’s very little I can change due to financial, time and general psychological constraints.
However, I do know the time for change has arrived and metaphorically punched me in the face to get my attention. Things have been slipped for a while, as is the case for many, we get complacent in a temporary place of comfort. Where our brains behave normally, even that perhaps we’ve finally conquered the illness plaguing our minds.
When is a good time to change?
There’s no such thing as ‘the right time’ to do anything. You could wait 1,000 years for that point and still never find it.
For me, the time has come because I need to regain control of my life instead of depression and anxiety calling the shots for me. It leads me to making some pretty reckless decisions, including eating sugary and carb heavy foods that I know aren’t good for my diabetes. I sleep through the morning, because I’m up until 1am without realising it. I get irritable with those around me. I’ve sat and cried my eyes out for no reason or as a result of a panic attack.
It’s time to change, Emma, it’s really time now.
As I said, I’ve referred myself back for treatment about this. I’m speaking with my doctor about anything else they can do to help me get through this particularly rough period as well as forcing myself to develop some better habits. That includes setting myself a bedtime (yes, I’m 28 and I need a bedtime) and forcing myself outside more.
This blog went from recording some other changes in my life to attempting to help other people to helping me. Whether I spend years updating only for no one to read it or I amass a following who read and understand what I’m going through. This is for me.
I need this kind of voice in my head, one that isn’t judgemental and scary, but comforting because the voice I choose to write in seems to know her shit. I’m going to become that version of me in all aspects of my life, not for this little blog that I keep, but because that is me.
Life is scary right now.
I’m scared right now.
But I’ll be OK, because I’ve been lost and I’ve been scared and I’ve been in a much darker place than I am right now.
It’ll be OK.