Goals · Mental Health

When Is A Good Time To Change?

I’ve made it abundantly clear that I am not in a good place right now. My mental state is in a fairly precarious place right now and there are stresses to it that I can’t really find a reprieve from but I’m working on that.

Leading on from this information, I’ve been wondering whether there’s any specific time that it’s OK to begin11885068_10153764682954245_1352930324503856663_n.jpg again. Whether this archaic ritual of ‘new year, new you’ actually holds any weight to it, or is it (like I believe) a good way for companies the world over to push the idea that new year means you must lose weight, must go on a diet at least for January. After that it’s Valentine’s Day then Easter then it’s the Fuck It Time of year until Autumn and Winter roll back around to give us an excuse to do whatever we want. I’m not in a good place, we’ve established that.

There’s very little I can change due to financial, time and general psychological constraints.

However, I do know the time for change has arrived and metaphorically punched me in the face to get my attention. Things have been slipped for a while, as is the case for many, we get complacent in a temporary place of comfort. Where our brains behave normally, even that perhaps we’ve finally conquered the illness plaguing our minds.

When is a good time to change?

Now.

There’s no such thing as ‘the right time’ to do anything. You could wait 1,000 years for that point and still never find it.

For me, the time has come because I need to regain control of my life instead of depression and anxiety calling the shots for me. It leads me to making some pretty reckless decisions, including eating sugary and carb heavy foods that I know aren’t good for my diabetes. I sleep through the morning, because I’m up until 1am without realising it. I get irritable with those around me. I’ve sat and cried my eyes out for no reason or as a result of a panic attack.

It’s time to change, Emma, it’s really time now.

As I said, I’ve referred myself back for treatment about this. I’m speaking with my doctor about anything else they can do to help me get through this particularly rough period as well as forcing myself to develop some better habits. That includes setting myself a bedtime (yes, I’m 28 and I need a bedtime) and forcing myself outside more.

This blog went from recording some other changes in my life to attempting to help other people to helping me. Whether I spend years updating only for no one to read it or I amass a following who read and understand what I’m going through. This is for me.

I need this kind of voice in my head, one that isn’t judgemental and scary, but comforting because the voice I choose to write in seems to know her shit. I’m going to become that version of me in all aspects of my life, not for this little blog that I keep, but because that is me.

Life is scary right now.

I’m scared right now.

But I’ll be OK, because I’ve been lost and I’ve been scared and I’ve been in a much darker place than I am right now.

It’ll be OK.

Promise.

Emma x

 

Goals

The Forgotten New Years Promise

A New Year promise that I overlooked while writing my previous post on the subject is one to slow down.

The reason I overlooked this is simply because I had always assumed I was working at a good pace towards my goals. However, after taking stock of 2016 as a whole and receiving my 4th rejection email for my novel that said relatively the same thing as the others. I realised it. I rushed into making many decisions that should have been handled with much more care than I allowed them.

In my not so professional opinion, I believe this impatience stems from one of two places. The first being that I’ve watched my mother run from one chore to the other without stopping no matter how much we insist, bug or even bully her (lightly) into sitting down and letting us take over the jobs for a while. quote-shape

The second place is where most of this habit comes from. I spent most of my youthful and important years completely still. Remaining in one place, not willing to allow change into my life or daring to venture out into the world to pursue any aspirations.

Now I’m older and mostly healed up, with this voice in my head saying “you’ve wasted enough time! Go get it! Quickly!” at everything I dream up and plan.

I rushed into approaching literary agencies with a novel still in its infancy. Needing a lot more growing, cleaning up, editing and perhaps revision as a whole. Because around me people younger than me are writing and publishing their novels. Because I hear stories of how this person was published by 30 or this person had hit the number one spot on some bestsellers list by this age.

I take all these things as a benchmark for myself which is incredibly unfair. Those people who I hold myself up against have led wholly different lives to me. Maybe they have experienced depression or some form of tragedy but they aren’t me. I’m taking 2017 as a year to learn to slow it down. Not be in such a rush to get it all done just because someone before me has done it sooner.

It has been done before. Nothing in this world is original anymore. However, it hasn’t been done by me. My novel is a work of fantasy, today’s readers are tired of young adult fantasy novels. They’ve been swamped with them for years and years. But they haven’t yet experienced mine, which is something that keeps me moving forward.

My novel is coming but it might take a bit longer than I anticipated.

Emma x

 

Goals

365 Photo Challenge

Something I wanted to teach myself this year is self discipline. I can’t count the times I’ve begun a project, said I’d do something or set a goal and then messed up, missed a deadline or simply forgotten about it and never returned to finish it.

While I could hide behind having depression as an excuse for this, it’s not acceptable. I’m using 2017 to learn more (Still Learning, get the name?). So over on my Instagram, I’ve begun a challenge for myself. Every single day (give or take a minute or 2 after midnight), I’ll post a picture from some point in my day. It could be of anything, of my dog, of me, an object, a place or a person etc. my goal is simple. To keep it up until December 31st, when it’s the eve of a new year and I’ve reached this goal and uploaded 365 pictures to Instagram. instagram-snap

It’s a small step in the right direction and that’s all that matters. A lot of the time we set ourselves these huge goals or a huge list of smaller goals, which only causes more problems than solutions. I’m going to really dig into my writing project, travel more and learn new skills over the year. All of which will be captured in the 365 Photo Challenge.

You can join me if you like, just follow me on instagram and tag me in it. There aren’t any rules, just that you post a picture every day.

See you over there,

Emma x

Goals

What Are You Waiting For?

A life lesson here folks, your dreams won’t wait for you or anyone. They won’t come looking for you to fulfil your fantasies and no matter how much you try to ‘manifest’ them into reality. It won’t happen unless you work for it.

You have to create something from nothing.

This is now the third (technically fourth) incarnation of my blog. I wanted to drop the name ‘The Moonpaws Blog’ because it’s a name I feel I’ve outgrown and something that reminds me of my ex and I’m actively trying to remove those reminders so I can move on.

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At the time of writing this (New Year’s Eve) I had considered even decided to delete the blog and forget about being a blogger. Perhaps pick it up again in a year or not at all. What changed my mind was a diary entry I wrote a few hours ago. Every December on the eve of a new year I put aside a good portion of my diary to lay out future plans, goals, dreams, grievances and niggling issues that I just don’t want to take into a new year.

Think of it like wiping your feet before entering someone’s home.

In this specific entry, I reminded myself that my aspirations and dreams won’t wait for me. There’s no publisher just looking for my specific novel or a literary agent trawling places like WordPress on the off chance they find some amazing writing talent who happens to want to write a novel. No. In life there’s the dreamers and the doers.

The dreamers, sit around, talk about what they’d like to do and can write you volumes on how much it would mean for them to do that thing.

The doers, are out there doing it. They’re working the shitty jobs. Learning their craft, honing their skills and developing their talents into something people are one day going sit up and notice.

In the interests of being completely honest with myself, I’ve been a dreamer for far too long. A little bit of me got arrogant with the praise for my writing skills, so much so I got lazy. Instead of working night and day on my craft, I took for granted that I could spin words into worlds with relatively little effort or mental strain.

With this new year, I’m turning it around completely. I have plans to blog and to start a YouTube Channel (maybe?) to keep me moving forward. To not rest on my laurels when someone says my latest piece is ‘brilliant’ but try to top that with an ‘amazing’ and so forth.

My biggest competition is with myself and of late, I’ve been a sluggish, lazy fool who’s been pissing away an amazing gift because it seemed too easy. Tomorrow, I’m dusting off my manuscript and working on that until I’m breathing the scent of that world again.

I’ll keep blogging, because I’m tenacious (stubborn) and I know in a few months there will be more than just me reading these words. Maybe those people will switch from dreamers to doers, or maybe they’ll just stick around for something to read on the train to work.

I don’t know. I don’t mind either way because I’ll be writing.

Emma x

Goals

My Promises For 2017

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In keeping with my Goals for 2017, I’m sharing my promises for 2017. Usually, these are called ‘resolutions’ but in my opinion the phrase New Year’s Resolutions is far too rigid or reserved for goals we all know we aren’t going to achieve. So I renamed my New Year’s Resolutions to ‘My New Year’s Promises’ which sounds much nicer to me than the previous.

For 2016 my promises included, loving myself more, having more bubble baths and reigning in a bad habit I’d developed from my university time which was over eating and to hell with my diabetes.

Did I keep these promises? Yes. Looking back I can see I’ve done things for me, to look after myself and I’ve put in place things that are there to ensure I don’t slip backwards. I make a point of checking in with myself especially when I’m under stress or my anxiety is kicking up a storm in my mind and I’m not sure why.

For the coming year, I want to stay in the same area with these promises to myself. For 2017 I’m determined to meet my goals (already posted here) and to introduce new themes and behaviours into my life.

First of all, I’d like to consciously leave my dead relationship in 2016. Yes, I’m still healing and rebounding like you wouldn’t believe but I don’t want to carry a broken and dead relationship into a new year when I’m being given the ultimate chance at a new start. It was 6 years, mostly happy but holding onto those memories won’t bring anything good into my life, so it’s a good time to let go of what was and move forward.

Another promise to myself is to incorporate some new healthy habits into my life. While I currently practice eating consciously or intuitively, I’d like to bring in some exercise that isn’t walking that insane brown ball of energy that I spam my Instagram followers with. I’m going to try various new things when it comes to exercise, such as daily yoga practice, swimming or simply walking but further than the 1 hour of ball throwing and navigating mud puddles, tree roots and piles of dog mess lazy owners haven’t cleared up.

The final promise I’m making to myself is to bring in more structure into my life. I’m the first to admit I’m a pretty easy going, ‘let it happen as it happens’ kind of woman. However, given a deadline, an appointment to be at X by etc. I’m 110% doing everything I can to hit that target. You could say it’s a perk of my anxiety. I’m going to regulate my sleep cycle better, pin down times or appointments with myself to do something on the day I’m going to do it. No rescheduling or putting it off for something less taxing.

I think 2017 is going to be an amazing year in many ways, it’s the first year in a long time when I have no idea what could be around the corner. I have no concrete plans for my time, no things already expected to happen. It’s an entirely new start and I’m unbelievably excited to see what life has in store for me.

Bring it, 2017 I’m ready!

Emma x

Goals

My Goals for 2017

2017 is within reach for us and I’m already thinking about my goals for the new year. My goals and my resolutions are two different things, for me resolutions are things to adopt, change or let go of but my goals are points that I want to reach.

Keeping up? Good, let’s continue.

For 2017, I have just two pretty solid goals that I’ve been reminded of recently. To give you a bit of history on my ‘goal making’ for 2016 I wanted to move home, finish my novel and get a literary agency interested in my writing. Flash forward to the end of 2016, I finished my novel. I’m still living in the same place and I have a nice pile of agency rejection messages. So, this time around I definitely learned the lesson to make my goals small or if2016-cross I must go big, don’t put 3 together in the space of one year.

For 2017, my first goal is to adjust and enjoy being single. It’s been a month since the break up, I no longer sit bawling on my bathroom floor (true story) and it doesn’t hurt to think about what could have been. So, my hopelessly romantic brain has decided that the time has come for me to throw myself back into the dating scene.

Except. I disagree.2017-heart

I don’t want to start another relationship, OK, if a great human came along and really turned my head then I wouldn’t dismiss them. However, I think rushing into a new relationship is a good way of getting my heart broken again. So I want to adjust to single life, to enjoy this time while I have it before someone that could be my last every partner appears.

Before my last relationship, I was recovering from a long period of depression and self loathing and convinced that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems. It would piece me back together, my life would be complete and 6 years after that relationship began I’ve learned my lesson. This time around, I’m not hoping anyone will complete my life. Because I complete me.

My second goal is to learn to focus less on what I don’t have and be grateful for what I do. I’ve found myself looking at people on social media who seem to have what I want. Those signing publishing deals (congrats guys!), getting engaged, getting their first home away from parents, reaching their health and fitness goals etc. then I think of me. Who has achieved none of that. Then I start to wonder if I ever will, I start to doubt myself and this silly cycle continues.

I know I have made some major leaps and bounds this year, however I always seem to be looking at what I don’t have. 2017 is where I want to flip that mindset around, to be thankful for what I do have, because one day it could all be gone.

What are your goals for 2017?

Emma x