Inbetween

My Non-Update, Update.

Writer’s block is a tough boulder to shift. I’ve written and eventually deleted 2 complete posts for this blog, feeling that I was either rambling on about nothingness or harping on about the same topic over and over.

I’m struggling a little bit with writing something that I can look at and not become annoyed with myself for bothering to spill out.

This isn’t my first brush with writer’s block. It won’t be the last in my long future as a writer, because this is my life, I love writing. I love weaving words and creating things.

Unfortunately for me, rigimg_0504ht now my mental illness had a fairly strong grip of me. It always had that grip but I convinced myself I was the one in control. What this means, of course, is that in my eyes anything I write is either complete repetition, boring, pointless or a reason to question whether my future as a writer is real.

I’m telling you this now because all I can put into words is this. It’s the truth, I have a dozen ideas popping up in my mind but I can’t seem to get them out just yet. On Friday, after what promises to be a hectic and stressful week, I’m going to sit down and talk it out once more.

This blog is for me, a place I can (albeit publicly) get things off my chest. I’ve considered and toyed with the idea of making a YouTube Channel along similar lines, instead of typing I sit in front of a camera and talk. While that does appeal to me, I’m not in a secure enough place to sit and edit footage of myself talking without picking myself apart.

So, that’s it, my non-update about being stuck for words. I still managed to write 300 words, so I guess I’m not as stuck as I believe.

See you Friday,

Emma x

Inbetween

About Me

heartWith the previous version of this blog now dead and gone (although maybe some ghostly version is floating around the net somewhere) I think it’s a good idea to have a little post where I introduce myself to you guys better than my ‘About Me’ page.

For starters, this blog started out as Project Butterfly on an old WordPress site that I’m sure is now defunct too. I began it as a way of journaling a project I set up for myself when I was 25, riddled with anxiety and missing a lot of classes at university because my anxiety simply meant I couldn’t go due to whatever scenario my mind made up that day. What I did was use the website www.futureme.org to schedule challenges for myself to complete over the course of the summer between semesters at university. Things that pushed my boundaries just enough to show me that should I wear something feminine for example, the world will not grind to a halt.

The blog was supposed to begin and end with the project however as luck would have it, I found something especially therapeutic about getting my internal monologue written down and put on the internet for everyone to see. It gave me a safe place to explore aspects of myself I had dismissed or overlooked in the past and hopefully helped some people reading it to explore, adventure and maybe love themselves a bit more.

After writing for just over a year with WordPress, my ex set up a website for me to use as an independent blog so I could do things like put AdSense on there and begin to turn this hobby of mine into a money making career.

The history of the blog aside, during these developmental years I learned quite a bit about myself and who I am as a person. And I’ll admit these discoveries are what led to the eventual split between my ex and I. For starters, I learned that people will not laugh at me for writing. I’ve always, always wanted to be a writer. There was a brief period when I was convinced being a teacher was my #1 goal but I can safely dismiss that idea as fear pointing me in the wrong direction.

Something else I’ve very recently realised about myself (at the ripe old age of 28), is that I’m bisexual. A lot of the time I dismissed my previous behaviours and feelings as something ‘all women’ do or that it doesn’t mean anything. I remember having a crush on a female teacher when I was 11 and managing to convince myself that her short hair and baggy clothes made her look boyish so therefore I wasn’t gay and it was just a mistake.

Essentially, this blog began as a way to track a journey of progression from someone who couldn’t take a journey longer than 40 minutes into the unknown by herself to someone who’s itching to travel across Europe. I’ve found the courage to seek help with depression and anxiety, I’ve admitted to myself that girls as well as guys are attractive to me and just a month ago, I found the strength to end a relationship that wasn’t working anymore.

Whether you want to stick around to see what other messes I get up to or this was just a passing visit. Thank you for reading and I’ll be back Friday.

Emma x